Commissioner note:  In honor of the launch of my 12 character or less (& 48 point font or more) nanoblogging site for the farsighted: “Er…com”…

I won. U lost.

-the Commish

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With the anniversary niceties concluded, the Todaro clan lowered the boom on the Pennellas, claiming both the individual week title and the overall family competition lead (as well as most of the stray chocolates from the banquet room tables).

The Pennella’s poor performance was spearheaded by Chris & Clark’s paltry four win performance.  The dynamic duo’s display thus far has only served to cast dispersions on the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 4.9, specifically the notion that “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed (New Living Translation, 1996).

On the Todaro side, Pete returned from his one week “voluntary” sabbatical with an uncharacteristically strong performance, winning 8 out of 13 games.  Alas, his 19 and 3/4 over/under prediction grossly underestimated the ability of the Falcons and Jets to score (on the field as well as in the late night Buckhead bar scene), thus handing the title to his little sis.

As a result of her strong performance, Claire was named underaged bettor of the month and will enjoy a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast with the future parole officer of her choice this weekend.  Congrats to Claire.  Hopefully her parents will get a bumper sticker out of the deal as well.

See results below.

The Commish

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Many (OK, mostly Claire) said his performance could never live up to his mouth, but for one glorious week (for him at least), Zane dominated (yes, he made me use that verb) with a 10 win performance, besting his nearest competitor — his father (and lest he forget his needed ride to school) by two games.  We can now look forward to at least a week’s worth of “it’s not arrogance, if your deliver” claptrap.  Even Ayn Rand is somewhere rolling her eyes.

On the all important family front, the Pennella clan moved ahead, despite Madame Todaro’s apparent benching of her own eldest son for his year to date crap performance.

In interviews, Peter gamely attempted to cover for his mother —  claiming his lack of participation was in fact a function of his indifference to the entire bourgeois undertaking.

Unfortunately TMZ’s release of his mother’s disturbing Friday afternoon (post-yoga mind you) workplace tirade  — which included the phrases “I love him dearly, but the kid doesn’t know an f-ing thing about professional football” and “Do you think if I disown him, his participation will be retroactively removed?”  — would appear to call the veracity of Peter’s statement into question.

In his weekly blog “Why the alphabet should begin with Z”  (@ZtoA or more commonly, zzz.com), the unnamed Z said he was horrified by the “machiavellian machinations” of the rival clan.

But lest one think the Todaros have cornered the market on hypocrisy, TMZ also revealed last night that a text sent to a Maryland area lawyer — discussing the potential xbox xmas gift implications of gently suggesting one’s own grandfather be benched — had in fact been tied back to the @ZtoA account.

As such, @ZtoA’s earlier tweet about his “need to visit a chiropractor soon if this keeps up” must be viewed as a rather mean hearted reference to his disproportionate shouldering of the Pennella win load thus far.

While one hopes that the feuding clans will set aside their intra and inter-family squabbling this weekend in celebration of Ma and Pa Pennella’s 50th anniversary — and that the rumored whoopee cushion hijinks will not come to pass in the hallowed grounds of Roxciticus CC — there is certainly cause for concern.

And it’s only week 4.

See full results below…

-the commish

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Commissioner note:  To preserve historical verisimilitude, results are reported below as originally calculated.  It should be noted that a later discovered clerical error would result in this week being anti-climatically being awarded to Chris/Clark.

Well, it came down to the Monday night game, but Kris rode the Broncos to victory (bringing back fond memories of those days back on the farm in Oregon), thus repelling the advances of the three headed, Raiders loving triumvirate of Zane, Jack, and Claire like a bad match.com date.

“It was pretty obvious.  Everybody knows Peyton Manning is undefeated against the spread in home games on Monday night when his physical biorhythms are above average, ” Madame Todaro was heard to crow.

The grumbling on the Pennella side continued. “Oh, big surprise, the commissioner’s girlfriend wins again”, spouted one Pennella who requested anonymity.  “Pretty convenient how he used the 15 point spread from the Sunday paper and not the game time spread of 16.5 points which would have resulted in the Raiders beating the spread, and me, Zane, winning the week.”

While we appreciate a good rant as much as the next fellow, the reality is that said scenario would have resulted in Claire and Zane sharing this week’s title (as they both picked the same tiebreaker points), which — let’s be honest — would have been entirely unacceptable to either.

In our quest to provide more useless statistics than a presidential election night preview (and out ourselves as an Excel enthusiast), moving forward, we will also be providing the collective family results.  In that all important battle, the Todaros lead the Pennellas by the smallest of margins in the cumulative win percentage category.

Please note that late season attempts to marry into the winning family or weasel an adoption so as to back door into a victory will result in severe sanctions, including — but not limited to — a curtailing of toppings at Yo Fro (or any other vaguely hip hop sounding frozen yogurt establishment).

See results below…

The Commish

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Ah, another week, and another Todaro in the winner’s circle (and another ridiculously delayed results announcement).

This time is was Johnny (literally) come lately Jack Todaro whose  31 point pick in the Monday night game was enough to edge out his Ma and some other 9 game winner whose name escapes me at the moment.

The increasingly commonplace Todaro family win was met with expected levels of consternation from the Pennella clan.

“Christ, how many of these people are there?” one Pennella was heard to opine.

“Sheesh, I  had high hopes when I first heard Mike was dating a women whose last name ended in a vowel, said another Pennella.  “But then she turns out to not even be remotely italian. Then it turns out she heads up a brood of wunderkind football betting savants — despite not a single damn one of them ever venturing within seven channels of ESPN on the remote.  This is just crap.”

It should be noted that the Pennellas did move into a slight lead in the family race.

Stay tuned, this could get ugly.

The commish

See results below…

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